Pakistan can proudly boost of having one of the oldest and the most organized caste systems in the world. This system always drew interest from the ancients to the recent sociologists. Plutarch and Homer studied it and made it a part of their ancient doctrine. Chankiya and Machiavelli added its necessary components in their celebrated works. Recently the salient features have been added in studying the covert mind control technique program of the CIA. This system has developed over centuries. However much fine-tuning has been done to it in the last 63 years making it the envy of the nations. Please note that for this article, all terminologies have been taken from the long lost book Castium Ajeebium Ghareebium Pakistnium by Plutarch. This book was supposed to be lost and was found last month on a theela (book cart) of Khori Garden.
Under this system, society has been organized under a system of unorganized chaos. All basic groups are circling around one major group reflecting the principle of oneness of god and the principle of circling around in spheres by this whole universe. Any group who dares to move outside their circle is dealt harshly. Systems of punitive measures are set up for behaviour not compliant to the set norms. Separate belief systems are established for each cast. They have their own gods. The role of each cast is pre defined and gel the entire society into one fine tuned system. Here are the major casts starting from the bottom:
- Peoplius Commonus
- Middle Classus Dreamus
- Moulvius Venemous
- Militirus Industrius Land lordius Supremus
These are the work ants of the society. Also known as Scums Societius. Their sub casts are Harius Kissanus, Mazdoorus and Clerkus badshahium. Their main job is work for the pleasure and honor of the superior classes. They are educated in special institutions called Yellow Schools where special care is provided so not to educate them in the arts of independent thinking. However there are always exceptions. Usually they are allowed to merge into the second cast but any attempt to join the first class is dealt harshly. This class is responsible for most of the street crimes under the garb of providing basic necessities of life to their families. However an excellent system of policing and law is available to take care of it. If the criminal escapes from the long arm of the law, his womenfolk provide pleasure and entertainment for the law providing force. All laws are basically made to control this class which is the largest is numbers. Another psychological tactic being used is called Democracy where they are provided a profound dream that they are responsible for electing their rulers, which are always from the first two classes. Usually a dose of 4-5 years of this medicine is provided after 10-15 years of direct rule of the first two classes. Another reason that this casts is at the bottom of the barrel is that Holy Book Constitutionlum 1973us absolutely provide no mention of this caste. They worship a circular God called Rotius. Efforts have been made in the past to introduce two more sub deities I:e Kapraos and Makanillium, however this caste soon realized that Almighty Rotius holds all divine power and now only worship this God. Favourite pastime includes have useless emotions of patriotism over fixed cricket matches and becoming suicide bombers to get a bang for their buck….literally.
Middle Classus Dreamus
This is the most colourful and the noisiest caste. Sub castes includes Philosopius dreamus, enlighted moderatium (also called Kafirium Khabeesium by Moulvius Venemous), Non Residentium Pakistinallius or those who wished to be in this class. The most famous member of Philospius Dreamus was a poet Faiz Ahmed Faiz who wrote a famous anthem Hum Dekhen Gay (we will see…Gay denote “will”, not the unholy practice of you know what). It is said that super caste Militrius Mimightius made a secret anthem to his reply Hum bhi dekhen gay tum kaisy dekhtay ho (We will see when and if you will see). However it is only sung in close quarters. This caste usually is responsible for providing the necessary trade and mercantile function, counting and accounting money for the super castes and dreaming to be the super caste. There have some instances of this caste merging into the super caste of Industrilus either by sheer good luck or marriage, which is again a function of sheer good luck. In other civilizations, this caste was mainly called the brain or the soul of the society however in the Pakistani system, they were used more as brain as it is used as a delicacy in Nihari. They are presented as a novelty to the visiting foreign dignitaries and are one of the major exports to the outside world. They earn foreign exchange and good name for the country. Favourites hobbies are writing useless blogs, poetry, earning degrees and being anchor persons. They believe in Almighty Dream. They worship it while they sleep. There had been some anarchist in its rank which were against the Holiest of the Holy practice of divide and rule and spread the world that we are all brown people and outside world doesn’t give a damn whether we are sunnis, shias, mohajirs, Punjabis etc but they were soon shut silence by giving the example of mighty Belgians who discovered new frontiers of Anthropology by measuring the noses of the Rawandans and dividing them into Hutus and Tutusies. The resulting genocide worked wonders for the Global warming. Those who refused to listen to this argument were put to sleep thereby again helping the global environment.
Perhaps this is the most fascinating caste of all. Much research has been done on them by Anthropologists and Biologists. It is said that they are a sub caste of the ancient race of Preachius Unholium. Recently a thrilling discovery has been by some DNA specialists who have traced their DNA to the spitting cobra. However Moulivus Venemous has used evolutions to their advantage and have developed this trait to its finest degree. The cobra only spits venom to it enemy eyes, however Moulvius Venemous uses words to spread its venom over their own kind. Whereas the cobra can maim only one enemy, the Maulvius can spread its venom over masses thereby providing new and fresh players for our national past time, “Who wants to be a Suicide Bomber.”
This caste has the unique ability to accept any member of the other castes in its ranks. It is debateable whether they worship anybody. There has been some research that they worship only themselves however more research needs to be done. They are extremely articulate and learned and are responsible for discovering the lost two chapters of the Holy Book called The Halal Suicide and Close your mind to the earliest chapters. One of their biggest contribution to society are works like “1001 ways you can prove anybody Kafir” and “72 virgins…Here I come” (whether these virgins are male, female or boys depends on which part of the country you belong to). We are very proud to say that without their contribution, the policy of divide and rule would not have been possible. They were the first ones who recognized the unholy doctrine of that evil man Jinnah and worked very diligently to reduce its effects on the common masses.
Militirus Industrius Land lordius Supremus
Now we come to the finest caste of all. But first you have to understand the delicate relationship. This is the final culmination of three superior castes. Evolution to its finest. Instead of Survival of the fittest, the three superior castes joined forces to rule over the rest. In the beginning it was Land lordius who rightfully understood the rise the Militirus and Industrius caste and joined forces with them. The Holy Constitutionlum clearly mentions that all laws are made to protect these cast and they are clean of all mortal sins. Their belief system is highly secretive. It is called Allahus Supremus and Americus Mightimus is being worshiped by them but this is highly debateable. A logical argument against this theory holds that when all Pakistanis are suppose to start all deeds by proclaiming “ I begin with the name of Almighty Militrius, the most beneficent and the most strongest”, there is no need to worship any other God. The super caste however remains silent. They do not indulge is such petty issues. They are more interested in increasing the profitability of foreign financial and arms manufacturing institutions thereby providing a valuable service to the world economic growth. They are responsible for industries such as Defence Housing societies, Golf courses and off course textile mills. As mention before they believe in the global good. Instead of paying taxes, they deposit these funds in the global institutions that invest them either in global economic act ivies or providing short and long-term expensive loans to Pakistan. (Again a very valuable national service). As mentioned before they are great patrons of the divide and rule activities. Examples are Hudood, Tauheen-e-Risalat and Katam-e-Nabuwat ordinance. But the strangest trait of this cast is that it does not believe on this doctrine among its ranks. But more research is needed. They have a sub caste of Civlium Bureaucratius, which helps them ruling the other lower castes
The above is just a brief introduction of a fascinating social structure. Much study is needed to further our understanding of the intricate working of these groups.